Words Matter: The Power of Naming Our Identities with Author Dr. Elijah Nicholas

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Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

Last week was a tough week for me. So much so that I had to push back from the computer, push back from my cell phone, and just take a break. Take a breather. And I got the message about what Elon Musk said during my break. I'm glad that I was on a break but it is what it is. And the second thing that I want to say is this. As a veteran, I served my country for Elon Musk's right to be able to say that cisgender is a slur. I honor that perspective. I didn't only serve my country for me, for you. I served my country for him as well. If that is his opinion, that's his opinion. That doesn't make it right.

Doug Foresta:

The Will to Change is hosted by Jennifer Brown. Jennifer is an award-winning entrepreneur, dynamic speaker, bestselling author, and leadership expert on how organizations must evolve their cultures towards a new, more inclusive workplace reality. She's a passionate inclusion and equity advocate, committed to helping leaders foster healthier and therefore more productive workplaces, ultimately driving innovation and business results. Informed by nearly two decades of consulting to Fortune 500 companies, she and her team advise top companies on building cultures of belonging in times of great upheaval and uncertainty. And now onto the episode.

Hello and welcome back to The Will to Change. This is Doug Foresta. This episode was originally recorded as a LinkedIn Live and features a conversation with author Dr. Elijah Nicholas as he and Jennifer discussed something that Elon Musk tweeted as he said that the word cis or cisgender are now considered slurs on Twitter. They also talk about what this means for the transgender community, the importance of understanding and using gender inclusive language, and why LGBTQ+ allies are needed now more than ever, all this and more. And now, onto the conversation.

Jennifer Brown:

Welcome, Dr. Elijah.

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

Thank you. Thank you for having me, Jen. It's a super happy Thursday.

Jennifer Brown:

Happy Thursday. A tough Thursday as we will talk about because the news just keeps coming, but I wanted to invite you on and introduce you to my network and also meet yours. I hope some folks are jumping on and joining us today and eager to hear our conversation and all the feelings we're having as we come to a close for Pride Month. What a month, what a year, certainly some different things this Pride than last year that have colored our experience and the way that we've celebrated and what we have top of mind and heart. So we're going to talk about that too. But before we get into all of that, Dr. Elijah, tell the audience who are you? Why do you do what you do? You are an author of three children's books, soon to be author on many other items. I'm channeling that for you as you know.

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

Yes. I, the same.

Jennifer Brown:

But tell us about you, your work, your story, how you identify and what brings you alive these days.

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

Thank you. First of all, thank you so much for having me today, Jen. I'm excited to be here. Happy Thursday. Again, happy Pride Month as we go out of the month of Pride. My name is Dr. Elijah Nicholas. My pronouns are he, him, and his. And I'm just excited to be here today, Jen. I'm excited to talk about a lot of the stuff that's going on in the world today. I identify as a Black transgender man. I transitioned about five years ago from female to male after living 47 years as a kind of semi-closeted in the military lesbian. I retired in 2012 from the US Air Force after 24 years, 10 months, and 8 days of service-

Jennifer Brown:

Not counting at all.

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

... to my great country. So I'm really interested and excited about what we're going to talk about today. As a veteran, it's really important to me. Legislation and policy are important to me. And so I have some opinions that may differ from other trans and non-binary individuals and some that I'm sure are in agreement. So I'm excited to be here too. Thank you.

Jennifer Brown:

I like that. I like that. We want to make space for that, the diversity within the diversity of identity and also opinion. I think we have to at the same time align together really tightly, especially when we are under attack. But at the same time, there are so many things I want to be discussing and learning different takes about in these times because we aren't a monolith. No community is a monolith.

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

Yeah, right.

Jennifer Brown:

And yet sometimes it can feel a little bit intimidating to get into that because you feel like almost you're questioning those who you need to have this lockstep solidarity with. And it can feel really iffy especially when we are under attack. But at the same time, there are so many things I want to be discussing and learning different takes about in these times because we aren't a monolith. No community is a monolith.

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

Right on that.

Jennifer Brown:

And that sometimes it can feel a little bit intimidating to get into that because you feel like almost you're questioning those who you need to have this kind of lockstep solidarity with. And it can feel really complicated. So I really appreciate that you said that. I wonder, do you open everything with that disclaimer that you do?

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

Well, I won't say that I open with that disclaimer. What I always say is that my experience is one trans man's experience. And I think it's important to emphasize that every trans and non-binary individual's experience is unique. And so the information that I share may apply in general, but there's specific things that don't apply to everyone. So I say that because I think it's important for us to understand that we are all unique beings, whether we identify as trans, non-binary, cisgender, which we'll talk about that term today. But we all have very unique experiences. And that's the key, is honoring our individual natures.

Jennifer Brown:

That's right. Love it. So here for that. Speaking of language, let's talk about that word that has now, I guess, become a slur. Newsflash, me. So I don't know. For those of you listening, Elon Musk has... Twitter has decided to ban those who use the word cisgender or cis. And it just, it sparked in me so many thoughts and feelings. But Dr. Elijah, I just wanted to open up the floor to you, give us reactions, context, emotion about it, guidance about what to feel and think about this. This is not the first time he has... He's no friend of I think a lot of our efforts. But this was a very specific thing and it has such far-reaching implications, particularly for a platform that at least used to be, I think, a place to learn about identity, to explore identity, and honestly to find community for that identity also. So it's just really disturbing on multiple levels.

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

Absolutely, Jen. Let me say this. Last week was a tough week for me. So much so that I had to push back from the computer, push back from my cell phone, and just take a break. Take a breather. And I got the message about what Elon Musk said during my break. And so it was like, "Whoa." I'm glad that I was on a break, but it is what it is. And the second thing that I want to say is this. As a veteran, I served my country for Elon Musk's right to be able to say that cisgender is a slur to him. So I honor that perspective. I didn't only serve my country for me, for you. I served my country for him as well. So if that is his opinion, that's his opinion. That doesn't make it right.

I would not have seen his tweet because I left Twitter a long time ago. I left Twitter a long time ago, I'll put it like that, so I wouldn't have seen his tweet. The reason that I left Twitter is because I love the opinion that I don't... I would rather not fight against and within systems that don't accept me. That's just my take. I understand that's not everybody's take, but the first thought that I had was China and how China bans a lot of things, a lot of free speech from people. And so I thought, "Is this where we're going with things like this, with things like this in the media?" So it's really up to us as Americans to determine where we go from here.

Finally, I'll say language is really the thing that evolves us. And I feel like as a country, we're going through this kind of a culmination of things and language is the weapon. And it can also be used as a tool to take us forward depending on how we respond at this time.

Jennifer Brown:

That's right. That's beautiful. That's very gracious of you to make the point you just did about fighting for free speech and not just having it apply to some of us and not all of us. It doesn't make it right but I appreciate that. And then technically it's true, but it's ironic that you were disturbed from your rest, your attempt at rest, by a snooze item. And like you said, it's like every hour I feel like it's just being inundated with pushback.

And language does evolve us, though. I love what you say about it can be weaponized against but it can also be a tool for greater understanding. And yes, evolution. I have loved it for that reason. And I'm always trying to evolve my language. And at the moment, we're having a lot of conversations about how do we evolve our language so that we can continue to have this conversation about the D, the E, and the I, without getting sandbagged, without putting ourselves in harm's way and yet continuing to serve in the way that we know we know is important but also that people want. Because I don't think this all of this speaks for everyone and what people want and need. I think allies are more energized than ever. It just depends where you look.

And you just said, "I see the places that accept me." And we can forget as we focus on these headlines that there are so many quarters, there's so many communities, there's such a groundswell, so much momentum for positive inclusive change, and it matters. Which fights do we engage in? Where do we put ourselves? And how does that impact our bandwidth, our emotional health? Which ones are worth fighting and how do we fight in a sustainable way? That's a big question mark for me because I don't want us to be so exhausted that we haven't put our oxygen masks on first. That's not helpful.

So I'm curious how you parse that in the things that you do get involved in and also just other languages that are evolving, words that are evolving that you've noticed that matter. I'm curious how you're sensing that landscape.

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

Absolutely. First of all, let me say that my nieces and nephews help me...

Jennifer Brown:

True.

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

... in the evolving language and specifically this whole discussion of the transgender umbrella and the discussion about drag queens and whether drag queens are transgender and where we all fall. And I love... Yesterday I saw a post from the beautiful Angelica Ross and how she summarized the trans umbrella, including transgender individuals, non-binary individuals, drag queens. And initially when she included drag queens, my eyebrow went up because I was like, "Are drag queens transgender individuals?" And so she went on to describe what she meant. And when you think about the word trans and transvestite is a person who dresses as the opposite sex. That is where drag queens fall into the trans umbrella. And so whether you think that drag queens identify as transgender or not, there are some who do identify as trans and there are some who identify as cisgender.

But I'm in agreement with Ms. Ross in that it does fall under the trans umbrella. And I believe that that is partly why the drag queen discussion is included in this whole anti-trans legislation and policy slew of events that we have right now. And so that is an evolution of language. In the past, we didn't look at drag queens as transgender individuals. But now that we have identified this trans umbrella, which 30 years ago, even 5 years ago, we didn't identify it as such. But now that we do, we've evolved and all these things fall under this umbrella. So now the question is how do we all, as you said, lock arms and move forward together for the rights of all of us?

Jennifer Brown:

That's so fascinating. So was that the main thrust of the article was to say to address that that's the reason for the targeting? That hasn't really happened in the past in this way. It's a new target. But in many ways, we are all part of the same community in defining gender and gender expression more expansively.

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

Absolutely.

Jennifer Brown:

Right. And that includes our non-binary. Talk about language that's evolving, that's when I really feel this whole topic when I speak about it and identify myself as cisgender, people are paying close attention. You can feel all the room goes extremely quiet. People are wondering what I'm going to say.

I love that moment of allyship personally because it's such an opportunity for me to feel strong on a stage because that's actually where I feel the strongest in many moments in my life. And to be able to stand there and be a person that ushers that topic, that whole topic into the room and puts it down in the middle of the room and says, "We're going to talk about it." And I'm here to talk about it as somebody that doesn't necessarily suffer any negative consequences, although being a female presenting female in the world, certainly negative consequences. However, there is so much privilege I can come from in terms of not having walked in the shoes that others do and being able to convene that and say, "What questions do you have? And where am I still learning?" And it's okay for you to be still learning and you can ask me questions about language and the evolution of what does non-binary mean?

And I especially love the parents that come up to me and say, thank you so much. Thank you for doing what you do. Thank you for bringing that up. Here's the story of my kid. You're a children's author too, Dr. Elijah. So those are really important moments for me that I know I'm doing the right thing. And I might be exactly the kind of messenger that they may need to hear that day. And it's so cool to know I made it safer for someone in a given moment. But anyway, just responding to what you just said, it's beautiful.

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

Yes, thank you. And I appreciate that, Jen, because I remember the first time I heard you speak in Milan. And when you opened up with your pronouns and then said you're a cisgender woman, I was like, "Yes." Because that's exactly what we as trans and non-binary individuals need to see and hear so that other folks who may not relate initially to me as a trans man, they can relate to you and they can say, "Okay, it's safe. It's okay for me to say that I'm a cisgender person. It doesn't make me anything else other than a cisgender person." So thank you. Thank you for doing that. I think that when we talk about allyship and what allies can do more of, that one seemingly small act is so powerful. It is so powerful. So thank you for doing that, and kudos to you.

Jennifer Brown:

Wow. It's less risky, I would argue. It's kind of... I mean, unless we're in Elon Musk's world.

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

Worth it.

Jennifer Brown:

But for me to be able to do it, I don't deserve any credit necessarily. What I don't understand is why more people don't do it because they just don't yet understand how powerful it is and how needed it is. And so how you can with one small decision and word choice, you can do your part to de-stigmatize something every day and use yourself as an example.

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

Absolutely. And something you made me think about just now, Jen, when you mentioned Elon Musk and the word cisgender and him identifying it or saying that it's a slur now. Can you imagine from an organizational perspective, from a leadership perspective, from a company and employee perspective, can you imagine working for his organization or any of his organizations and being a person who is not necessarily trans or non-binary, but a cisgender individual who is comfortable identifying as cisgender and comfortable being an ally to the LGBTQIA+ community? Can you imagine the emotional turmoil that that puts at that employee, that puts that employee through? From an organizational perspective, that is just it's really can be tormenting for those individuals who work with him. So it's just, it's unfortunate.

Jennifer Brown:

It is unfortunate. And you're right. And I hadn't thought about that. So basically, if I worked there and I wanted to speak and talk about what's under the waterline of my iceberg, I would be forbidden from disclosing a part of my identity, a big part of my identity. And that is not the work that we do now. In fact, we do the opposite, which is workplaces of belonging are places where we can when we say bring your full self to work because we understand that's really important for productivity and innovation and trust. But literally what's next? Which other identities are off limits that you can perhaps even lose your job for? Well, it reminds me. I think often of speaking about my white identity and feeling that that's really risky. Not risky for me, but that again, the audience is like all the oxygen just goes out of the room. "She's going to go there. What is she going to say?"

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

Right, right. If I could revisit what I said in the beginning about fighting for the freedom of speech of Elon Musk as well, my challenge comes in when there are government funds that go to organizations like this. So when we talk about the organizations and freedom of speech and the right to have whatever policies they have, you can have whatever policy you want to have. However, I think my challenge comes in when the government funds in any form these organizations. That is because then, Jen, you and I are paying for his right to say that cisgender/transgender is a slur. So to me, that's where the problem comes in. Now, you in my pockets saying that you can say what you want to say.

Jennifer Brown:

Yeah. Could I hear a little bit more about the military environment? I'm just curious given you're a vet. I've done some work, limited work on leadership with vets returning to the workplace. And talking about diversity and what it means and what it doesn't mean and what people feel like they're comfortable with because of the nature of what it's like in the military, how that translates and doesn't translate into the workplace, it's really fascinating. But I wonder how your identity, how this was a impossible thing for you to sustain and I guess the state of that conversation now. Speaking of government-funded institutions, I wondered if you're watching that closely, if there's been developments that give you hope in that realm?

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

Well, I honestly have not been watching it closely, the military specifically, but I can tell you that individuals, even though trans individuals are allowed to serve in the military now, individuals are still afraid.

Jennifer Brown:

I know.

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

Individuals are still scared. And so when I look at my history, even serving as a lesbian, a closeted lesbian in the military, I served under the "Don't ask, don't tell" policy. And although that policy was in place, I lived in such fear and such tension that my relationships were always a secret. Everything was a secret. So I would imagine it's the same now because we don't know. We got another election coming up. Are the policies that we've been privileged to experience, are they going to be rolled back? So there's always that threat or that fear hanging over one's head serving in the military. Even in my opinion, even if you're a part of the L, the G, or the B, because we never know what's going to be rolled back. We just had this big debate about the Equality Act over the last couple of weeks. So one can say, depending on the administration, we just don't know what's going to happen from term to term.

Jennifer Brown:

From term to term, from day to day. Today as we're recording this, incredibly sad news for me. Not a surprise. Affirmative action has been rolled back by the Supreme Court, a day we never thought we'd see. Cannot say never anymore. And you hadn't quite caught up on your news yet and I hated to even break it to you.

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

Right, right.

Jennifer Brown:

But again, it's this upside down world that we are in, and it makes allyship even more important. I think Dr. Elijah, I wanted to know what can we do? What can we do more of? What can we do more strategically? How can we band together, have each other's backs, be in solidarity, make more noise? But really, what is this call for allies to you as you define allyship? Because I also think it's so important to have those affected most directly to identify what are the remedies, what are the actions? Sometimes we don't have that lens, enough of a lens to know what those things are. I can take a guess but it's too important to guess. So go on for it so I can do something very specific.

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

Yes. My first thing is money. Write checks. Because the reality is many of these organizations need money. And when I say these organizations, I mean trans and non-binary-led organizations. Many of us become entrepreneurs because of the not having the desire to work in corporate America for many reasons. Many are obvious right now.

The second thing is utilizing our voice. As allies, there isn't anyone who should be quiet right now with everything that's going on. If you don't have something to say, then to me that is a problem. And I say that because when we think about, what was it, a year ago or however long ago it was when Roe v. Wade was overturned. Many people said, "This is just the beginning. There's going to be more. This is the beginning of a domino effect of policy." And now today, the affirmative action case, this was predicted back then. And so I think that we as allies, we have to speak up. We have to use our voice. We have to reach out to our legislators, both locally and federally. And again, put your money where your faith is. Put your money in these organizations because we need it.

Jennifer Brown:

Yeah, that's for sure. It was predicted. You're right. I even think there was a Supreme Court justice who wrote that, "Here's this precedent that it's going to lay. It's going to lay the groundwork for the undoing of so many things." And shame on us if we don't assume this is our new normal for at least now.

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

Absolutely.

Jennifer Brown:

And we've got a lot of work to do, particularly ahead of that election, all important election. That's for sure.

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

And if I could say one more thing?

Jennifer Brown:

Yeah.

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

That allies and the LGBTQIA+ community at large can do as well, and this is where I think my opinion may or may not differ from some. We have got to hold our leadership accountable. And when I say leadership, we've got to hold our president accountable, our Vice President of the United States accountable. We've got to hold our local folks accountable. And it should not be Pride Month only when we talk about issues that impact the LGBTQIA+ community. And it should not be assumed that just because these policies are going on that the Democratic Party, and I'm going to say it, has my vote. Please don't make that assumption. And I think that we have to absolutely stick together and come up with policies and develop a strategic plan for overcoming these things. But please don't assume that you have my vote.

Jennifer Brown:

I like that. We need to really demand so much more, so much more progressive thinking and action and commitment and hold feed to the fire and ensure that it's as inclusive as possible. In many ways, they need to understand the lived experience and the day-to-day experience of communities much better than they do. I think that's very true. That's very true. Thank you for that call to action.

And as you've chosen children's books as one of your means for change, tell us about why that felt like it was where you wanted to apply some of your change effort and about maybe your most recent book, but why that medium and why that audience? And I was asking you, do you know if your books are banned? And you said, "I don't know, maybe, and I don't want to go there." I love that response because it is one I love. It sounds to me like it's a way of self-care for you and staying in this positive place of knowing that there are so many to be reached that need to hear your voice and understand your story, and that you exist both as the writer of these books but also what you write about. So just tell us a little bit more about that.

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

Yes. So I'll say first of all, I don't have any televisions in my home. I don't watch television. Usually when I hear the news, it's from a friend who is sending me something that I should be aware of and/or my mother. My mother is my news source and she has been since 2016. You know what happened in 2016.

Jennifer Brown:

I do.

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

That's when I stopped my subscription to a lot of stuff, got rid all my televisions. And that is absolutely self-care. That is how I take care of myself. Because the reality is if we're watching the news all day, we would be in such a low vibration and I choose to go be great. I choose happiness. I choose to stay in a positive vibration because that allows me to continue to do the work that I do and lead the individuals that I lead. The reason that I wrote the children's book, the real answer is because there was none. When I started my transition, I did what most people do and I went on the internet and I was like, "How to have a conversation with young people, my nieces and nephews, about transitioning?" There were a few things. This was five years ago now we've done a 360-degree change. So there was nothing with African American faces on it.

Jennifer Brown:

Zero.

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

Zero. Nothing. And so I got a whisper at 2:00 in the morning which is when my higher source often speaks to me.

Jennifer Brown:

Convenient.

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

Yeah. That's to create the resource. And so that's what I did. And the reason for creating it at the time was to bridge the gap, the gap of me needing this, us Black trans men needing this and families needing this and it not being there. So that's how Madoodle was birthed. Right now, it has really become a foundational tool to have a discussion, not just with children but with families, with universities, with corporations. I think one of the reasons that it's been so successful is because it is written at a very foundational level. And as adults, I think we assume that adults should know things that children know. And the reality is often we don't. We talk about language evolution. My nieces and nephews, they school me on it. So my nieces and nephew, the audience that this was written for, it's like, "This is an amazing book, but duh."

Jennifer Brown:

"Who'd you write this for? Not for us, right?"

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

Duh."

Jennifer Brown:

Wow.

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

And so they have actually helped me. Each book that I've written is based on my personal life and my experiences with my nieces and nephews. So I wrote Madoodle. It's the story of an African American young lady who is a young girl who is navigating the transition of her Uncle Pete who was once her auntie, her favorite Auntie Mary. She just wants to get Uncle Pete something for his birthday and keep her relationship with her former Auntie Mary, now Uncle Pete. "Whatever you want me to call you, what do you want for your birthday?" And then Madoodle: The New Kid was written because that's when the non-binary term came. And my nieces and nephews started seeing gender-neutral folks in the classroom. And it's like, "Uncle Eli, how do we navigate this? What do we do?" And then the third one, Madoodle Says Bonjour, is because really the diversity. It's in French, and we realize that there's a diverse group of people. It's not just folks in America experiencing these things.

O my goal is to have it translated into as many languages as possible so that we can spread this love, not only around the US but around the world. And that's what I choose to focus on, putting these books in the hands of places that Madoodle is welcome and wanted and loved and honored, and the places who don't particularly or can't have it there did, that's not my focus.

Jennifer Brown:

That's right. I love that. I hope everybody listening is feeling like maybe there's a prioritization that can happen for us. Because if you're a teacher and a light worker as you are, your light is so important. It needs to be protected and fostered and unimpeded and not weighed down. It's light and the need is so vast. If we live into that need of being seen and heard and told that who you are and how you identify is loved and will be loved and has a name and is a thing and you're not alone. And to have that all over the world, especially, I'm so glad to hear you're really thinking about that global application of the books. Where can folks find them? So if they're just listening on audio that later that they know?

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

Absolutely. Everything is on amazon.com. You can also order from a website. There's a direct link to Amazon. My website is elijahnicholas.com. That's E-L-I-J-A-H, Nicholas, N-I-C-H-O-L-A-S.com.

Jennifer Brown:

Wonderful. Dr. Elijah, thank you for everything you're doing and all that you serve and exist to serve and all the light you bring. And we rely on you to keep that clear channel of love that you have and keep giving it to us, and we'll definitely support your book. And if it's banned, we'll buy it especially. I buy banned books.

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

Buy banned books. I love it.

Jennifer Brown:

Right.

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

Thank you so much for having me, Jen. This has been amazing.

Jennifer Brown:

Thank you.

Dr. Elijah Nicholas:

Thank you for the work you're doing as well.

Jennifer Brown:

Thank you so much.

Hi, this is Jennifer. Did you know that we offer a full transcript of every podcast episode on my website over at jenniferbrownspeaks.com? You can also subscribe so that you get notified every time a new episode goes live. Head over there now to read my latest thoughts on diversity, inclusion, and the future of work, and discover how we can all be champions of change by bringing our collective voices together and standing up for ourselves and each other.

Doug Foresta:

You've been listening to The Will To Change: Uncovering True Stories of Diversity and Inclusion with Jennifer Brown. If you've enjoyed the episode, please subscribe to the podcast on iTunes. To learn more about Jennifer Brown, visit jenniferbrownspeaks.com. Thank you for listening, and we'll be back next time with a new episode.